A few weeks ago, Travis walked into the house after work and asked me to take a picture with him and the kids because it was the last day he would arm up and wear his badge at work.
It really hit me that day. We are moving on to the next phase of our life. And I’m scared shitless.
And I kinda wish he would have told me sooner, so I would have had time to do my hair and set up the tripod. But alas, Audrie took our picture. 🙂
Now, he’s off interviewing for a job, and I’m nervous as hell.
Military life is funny. You always have a group of people around you. These people become your family, not just your friends. They become your tribe. Need help with your kids? Done. Need a person to vent to? Done. Need someone to go get your nails done with? Done. Need a dog sitter? Done.
Done, done, done. I’ve been all these things, and I’ve asked for all these things. And not once was anything owed to me nor did I owe anything back. It’s just the way of life. It’s a blessing. And then one day, that blessing will be gone. You’ll be forced back into the “real world”. You won’t really have that safety net anymore.
And then there’s the fear of going back to work. Not just for Travis, but for me. Now, I own my own businesses, and I can take them anywhere with me. But starting over in a new town, a new STATE?! I may fall flat on my face. It may not work out. And that scares me most of all, because I want to see my kids grow up. I want to take them to school, pick them up, make them dinner, take them to sports. And I don’t want to do it while being stressed to the max. If you know me, you know I don’t do well with stress. I completely shut down. Busy I can handle, but stress? Nope.
I’m struggling with what to do. Do I ask to stay home, continue my businesses, and hope he won’t resent me in the future for not making as much money as I should? Or using my degrees and my own military experience? Or do I just get a job, put my babies in child care before and after school, and just see them for a few hours a day? I KNOW many, many moms do this, and I admire them for it.
Hell, I never wanted to be a SAHM. But now that I’ve done it for so long, I just want to keep doing it. At least until the kids can stay at home by themselves. But, then will I be too old to go back to the work force? Will someone want to even hire a 40-something year old with some self-employed business experience and a measly 8 year military career? How do I get over the FOMO (fear of missing out)?
Fear of missing out on my kids, who are my real joy (even if they are so frustrating!), and fear of missing out on a career outside the home. I’m so conflicted, and frankly, sad, about it.
My identity, for the past 6 years, has been wrapped around my kids, photography, and now LuLaRoe. I can drop ANYTHING in my day, and be there for my kids. How do I give that up, and should I? I don’t remember my mother being there during my younger years, it was always my grandma. And then when we were older, I really only ever saw her after 6PM. She didn’t come to very many of our sports activities, unless it was on the weekend. I want my kids to remember me! I don’t want to have to ask for vacation time, I want to be able to go wherever the wind takes us, and I don’t want to wait until we are both retired. I want my kids to go, too. We never did things like that growing up. I KNOW this is a pipe dream. Who wouldn’t want to be able to do this? Wouldn’t that just be the perfect world?
Now taking any and all advice 🙂